Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Texas Chili

Subject: Texas Chili Contest

from deep in the heart of texas, just for you!

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take
time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived
in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Hal loween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield,

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on
the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very
mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff? Y ou could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of
pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent
firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting toasted from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili... Judge # 3 --
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is
it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look cute...Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are
ringing, sweat is pouring off my f orehead and I can no longer focus my
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really irks me that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Forget those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 --
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge #
3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Scre aming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if
the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I
should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put
a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
now have lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Forget it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending,
this is a nice blend c hili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?